Expectations and a Snowy Twelve

I expect a lot from myself. I want to do it all. I want to be a mommy-runner extraordinaire. I want to run a 50. I want to spend time with Sam. I want a clean house, home-cooked dinners and candlelit dinners with Ryan too. I am obviously setting myself up to fail. I should know better. But I can't help but want it all to fall into place and have it all be perfect. It is a personality trait that I have yet to manage to shake.

Which brings me to this: I have had all this extra time the past 6 weeks. Time to run awesome long runs! Time to tackle lots of household projects! Time for all the regular errands that need to get done! Time to relax! Time to read! Time for so much! OK, I might be being a bit dramatic, but honestly, the expectations I have set for myself for these winters months is stressing me out.

When it comes to the running part of the equation, it's not a question of will I run. I love to run. I have never needed race motivation to get out the door. I will do it anyway. I might not run long, or hard, but I will run. Yes, having a few races thrown in the calendar is a good thing. It is always good to have a bit of extra motivation, a bit of competitive fire to do well amongst your peers. But when I think about it, I have never done well with a training plan. I can't seem to follow one, no matter what I do. And so, once again, I am struggling with the running expectations I have put on myself, or really, written down in my training log.

I feel the 50 looming over my head. It is not just any race. It is 50 frickin' miles! That is a long way, and a long time to be out there. Today I had had thoughts of running 20 miles. Because, well, everyone else is running long, and it all seems to be so effortless. I feel I should be running 20 miles this week. Why? Well, because it's 50 frickin' miles! Because I want to be a badass runner too. Because more miles is better! Can you see where this is going? Today's long run was weighing on me. I felt I had to do it. I felt it had to be perfect. Pineland is 3 months away! Another 3 months of this might break me. I have got to get a handle on things. Or perhaps, I need to admit that Pineland isn't the 50 for me. Or maybe, I need to just let go a bit and keep rolling with things and know that if it pans out and I feel like I have gotten in the training for the 50, great, and if not, that's ok too. There are lots of other races out there, and hopefully I have a lot of years of running ahead of me. Will anyone think less of me if I don't do Pineland? Will I think less of myself? Oh, the Sparkplug mind. Sometimes I'd like to hide from it :-)

Sam and I came downstairs this morning to find the grass and trees covered in a layer of wet snow. I dropped her off at daycare, came home, quickly gathered my stuff up, and headed off to Bradbury. I figured the snow might actually make conditions better. It seemed pretty tacky. Of course, it could make things worse. Well, it was worth a try. And it was a beautiful morning too! I pulled into the lot to see NJ Dave and friend (I feel I should know him, but can't quite pull up a name) taking photos of Dave's bloody knee. Dave urged me to be careful out there, noting that they had done a lot of sliding around, and obviously some falling too! I was hoping that wearing screwshoes would make a difference [they weren't wearing theirs], but I told them I would be cautious and headed across the street to the east side. I had a vague idea of doing the Bruiser course first and then maybe doing the Scuffle or snowshoe race route after that, so I headed down Lanzo. Dave had said the Island was nice running, so I took a left onto the wiggly turny singletrack through the woods. The woods were very pretty, and my screwshoes seemed to be doing a fine job so traction wasn't much of an issue - but it was slow going with the ice and twists and turns and variable snowpack.

Somewhere around the Bat Cave, I got the course jumbled in my head and ended up just meandering around, off-route. Things looked different to me in the snow, and I have never had a very good head for directions. I was on pieces of the course here and there as I wound my way back to the campground area, but definitely wasn't running the Bruiser proper, that's for sure! I was moving pretty slowly - around 12 minute pace - and feeling a bit glum at this point. I just could not wrap my head around the long run. I felt OK, but not exactly energetic, and the variable conditions were making my legs feel a bit beaten up. And I had only gone 7 miles! Well, can't stop now, that would really be lame! I headed out onto the snowshoe course, and managed to follow it pretty well. No way it would have been a snowshoe race today, though! Amazing how much more snow has melted. I tacked on the Island Trail as I came back through on Lanzo, and it seemed endless. I was done. I got in 12 miles in 2:24 and called it a day. I felt spent and a bit disappointed, but honestly, felt relieved to be finished. It had been a nice meander through the woods, but it was more than enough for me. Did I give up? I am sure many would say yes. But I want to enjoy my running too. And grinding myself into the ground just because really isn't my cup of tea. So, I'll take tomorrow off, get in a decent run on Friday before work, and get back at it next week.  Hopefully somewhere along the way I'll turn my wishy-washy brain into a focused one, and be back on track with some good running!