Evening Five

I ran the Highland Green loop in reverse tonight, so as not to tempt myself with the possibility of turning off and running the short three mile loop instead of the full five miles. As I ran, I thought about balance and pressure. How do I strike the right balance between nourishing and connecting with a) Sam, b) Ryan, and c) myself, while also doing the other things that need to get done in daily life and which end up taking up too much of the time I'd rather spend on a, b or c, ie: d) work, e) all those pesky things like groceries, laundry, dishes, etc, and oh yes, f) get a little sleep too. This morning Ryan offered to watch Sam while I went out for a run before work, but I declined. He has all day Saturday, every Saturday, to spend with her. And I, I have to go to work. Which means I have a few hours in the morning with her, and I just didn't want to miss out on that. On weekday mornings, I could ask Ryan to drop her off at daycare so that I could get a run in, or run longer, but then I would miss out on my time with her. Tonight I got home at 6:00. She was asleep by 6:45 (it's been a long week and she needed it). That is hard on me. These questions, in different variations, come up over and over and over in my head, and in our conversations. I am trying my hardest to balance things, and to do my best to divy myself and my time between all the things/people that need me. But I am constantly feeling like I am not giving my all to any of them. And most of all, I don't want to shortchange Sam. She already knows Mama runs, and while I want her to know exercise and taking care of oneself is important, and feel proud that Mama is strong and fit and healthy, I don't want her thinking running is more important than she is. Could I just get a few more hours in the day? That would do wonders for my psyche and for all that needs to get done! And why, oh why, before I had Sam, did I always think I didn't have enough time?! I would kill for all that free time now :-)

Within this balancing act swirl the thoughts/pressures I have (totally self-inflicted, of course) about my running. I want to run well. I feel I should run another 50k. A 50 miler. I want to. We've fallen in with a great group of people, of runners, who do amazing things. Who run multiple 100s a year. Who run 50k as a training run. Who run for hours on end. I want to keep up. I want to do that too. But I feel tapped. Tapped energy-wise, time-wise, sleep-wise. And so I stop to think. This year already, I've run a 50k. A 25k. One 6 mile trail race. I'm running a half marathon next weekend! Then two more trail races. I had pondered trying to race a 50k and then doing the Stonecat 50 miler in November. And I could, I know it. But I would need to give up more of my time to running. And as the previous paragraph should attest, I can't quite do that right now. At least without feeling so guilty about it that it would take the fun out of it all. And so, I resolve to look at things a bit differently. Look at what I've done already. Some solid races. I feel good. I'll put my efforts into trying to run fast at the Stonecat Marathon. That will round out to a not-so-shabby racing year. There is always time for another 50k. A 50. I'm thinking 2012 will be good for that :-)