Conflicted

This morning after I fed Sam at 6:30, I put on my running clothes to head out the door. But I just couldn't bring myself to go right out. I dawdled, letting Sam play with my hair, giving her kisses, bringing her downstairs with me while I had a snack and did a little stretching. Then I finally brought her back upstairs and laid her on the bed next to a sleepy Ryan and tried to leave. But I didn't want to. I just wanted to stay and watch her giggle and smile and move around. Yes, I also really wanted to get my run in, but it was hard to leave her. Now that I'm back to work and she's in daycare, and with her early bedtime, so much of the day is spent without her. To give up even the 47:00 it took me to run the 5.25 miles on the powerlines this morning seemed like too much. Ideally I'd get up and run before she wakes up for the day. But at this point, she is still not sleeping well, or maybe it's a growth spurt, or her cold or whatever, so she is up a million and one times a night, and so I sleep that extra hour instead of getting up at 5:30 and running. Hopefully this will all sort itself out sooner rather than later and we'll eventually get into some sort of morning routine, but for now I remain conflicted. Part of me wants to just hang out with my little baby girl, who is changing so fast. And part of me wants to have a bit of 'me' time and get in my training too. Some days the first part wins. Other days, like today, even if it took a while, the second part of me finally kicks the first part of me out the door and onto the trails.

What I really wish is that I could add another 4 to 6 hours to the day. A few extra hours in the morning, and a few in the evening, so that I didn't feel like I was being pulled and stretched in a million different directions, and like I was neglecting one thing or another. It is hard work being a good mom, a wife, a runner, working 5 days a week, nursing, trying to keep the house clean, coming home at night and wanting to spend time with Sam, but also wanting to at least prep for dinner so Ryan isn't doing all the work, and on and on and on. I know that lots of people have the same issues, and I know that in a way I am very lucky, as I don't have to leave the house with Sam at the crack of dawn, and Ryan is a wonderful husband who helps out a lot, but that doesn't mean that some days it doesn't feel overwhelming and I feel like I'm doing everything halfway. So, if I could just get those extra hours, I think I would be good... :-)

I am also feeling a bit conflicted about Pinelands. I really want to run the 50k. But while I have been doing some good running, I haven't been doing a lot of running (see above). I haven't hit over 32 miles in a week this year. Then again, I am a low mileage runner anyway, so maybe that is OK, and if I can get in a few longer runs in the next month I might be able to pull off the 50k without too much pain and suffering. Not that I don't expect a little bit of suffering, but I don't want to go into a race of this length feeling unprepared and undertrained. With that in mind, the plan for this Sunday is to head to Pineland for a 20 mile run. This should give me a pretty good idea of where I'm at in my training, and whether or not I should reassess things. Of course, I feel a bit guilty about taking 4 to 5 hours of running/traveling time out of one of my days off with Sam, and guilty and worried about not nursing her during that time... Anyway, I do know at least that she will have a great time while I'm gone hanging out with my parents, who offered to watch her Sunday morning while I run at Pineland and Ryan runs the Save our Swinging Bridge 5k. And hopefully when she's old enough to realize that her mom and dad are crazy trail runners who spend a lot of their free time training, she'll have fun watching us race and being support crew, and will be proud that we work so hard at it, and of course, will want to be just like us :-) Now I'm really dreaming, aren't I?!