I think these themes are going to come up often in my posts, so you'll have to bear with me. I want to run. I need to run. Seriously, I need to run or my head might explode. Just ask Ryan. I want to run long, to run strong, to race well and spend time with my friends on the trails. I want to run more than 22 miles a week, which is the number I've been stuck on for the past three weeks. Yes, 22 is better than 21, than 20 and so on, but it is not quite where I want to be. But I can't give myself over to running completely right now. I also want and need to spend time with Sam. She is growing up so fast. I don't want to miss it all! I'd also like to have some time to spend with Ryan. And with the kitties. I don't want to work, but I need to work. I don't necessarily want to pay bills, or clean the house or the bathroom, or do the dishes or go grocery shopping and run errands, but all these things also need to be done. How often they are done is another story however :-) Of course, Ryan does some of these things too, and more, so I'm not totally going it alone here. But I am finding it hard to fit it all in. And do it all well.
In the mornings, I can't always manage to get up and out for my run before Sam wakes up for the day. And once she's awake, although Ryan offers to watch her, I want to spend time with her before I drop her off at daycare. I have so few hours with her during the week, I hate to miss out on any of them because I want to run. I hate to be that selfish. Of course, I want to spend time with her but I still find myself doing the dishes or making coffee or cleaning the litter box when I should be on the floor playing with her or reading her a book. At night, I want to get home from work to be with her, but I also want to start dinner so Ryan isn't doing it all. I want to be able to play with her, but on the other hand, if I'm hoping to run after she goes to bed, part of me wants her to go to sleep easily and on time, so I can sneak out before it gets dark. I want her to sleep through the night but I know once she does I will miss those times, with her in my arms, her warm body next to mine, her tiny hand resting on my chest, or pulling my hair or reaching up to touch my face. There is no right answer here, and while I know there is really no way to truly do it all, that doesn't stop me from wanting to.
These were the thoughts swirling around in my head tonight as I ran the short Highland Green loop at 7pm after Sam fell asleep. Before I left the room, I looked down on her splayed out on her stomach in the crib, her hand touching her little ladybug blanket, her face calm and peaceful. So cute. I leave Ryan in charge of dinner, having chopped the carrots and potatoes for roasting this morning, and picked up the corn at the farmer's market yesterday before work. I run across the street onto the powerlines, stopping to pick a few ripe blackberries. I run to escape the thoughts in my head. I wish I had more time. I probably should run more. How will we fit it all in tomorrow?
I take a deep breathe. I am out running on a beautiful summer night. I am blessed to be able to do so. For a moment, at least, I am content.
(Edited to add: Ryan indicated that he feels this post makes it sound like I am upset with my life. That I am miserable. That was not my intent. I am not upset with my life. I am far from miserable. I have a beautiful, happy little daughter who makes me smile. I have a wonderful husband who supports my running and puts up with my craziness. I live in a beautiful place. I am a runner. A hiker. I am happy. Sometimes, I just think too much :-) )
4 comments:
Tell Ryan to get used to it! You sound like a mom. Mommy guilt haunts us all through their lives. You'll be able to get your runs in later, but there will be other things to take the place of missing runs. AND it doesn't mean your miserable or unhappy with your life, just sure you could be doing things better.
Are there places you could run with a running stroller there?
Valerie, ha! "You sound like a mom"! I like that :-) And John, there is a bike path over in Brunswick that we can run on with the stroller. There is also a loop through the high school across the street that is doable. The problem is that I usually only have an hour with Sam in the morning, and around that at night too, so I hate to plop her in the stroller for most of that time! However, it certainly is an option, and I should probably take advantage of the fact that she actually likes the BOB and use it more!
just read this post and had to say this: I know EXACTLY what you mean.
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