But first, we had to make it through the week as we were all feeling tired from the Jersey weekend! 😂😜 Monday it was up and out into the dark, damp, misty, foggy morning. Wore my headlamp for the first mile. Ran the cart paths and saw two deer and one great blue heron along the way. Picked a handful of sweet blackberries and noticed the viburnum berries turning light pink and the brush taking on their late summer yellow, brown and maroon hues. Still feeling rather summer-ish with the humidity and heat but we are losing light rapidly on both ends of the day and autumn will be here in the blink of an eye. The change of seasons always brings a bit of joy and melancholy. (6.0 miles)
I'll be honest and admit that running on Tuesday didn't happen as sleep sounded like a better idea!
Morning dawned replete with fog on Wednesday, and as I ran around Highland Green, I watched the sky brighten through the haze. Pretty. Legs feel decent but there is not a lot of turnover going on. Feeling kind of s-l-o-w. Oh well. (5.0 miles)
Thursday was off to get things done for the trip - camping is fun but requires a lot of prep! The original plan was to run long in the morning but honestly, when I awoke to 67 degrees, 98% humidity and a dewpoint of 66 and things just looking rather sticky out there, I said, screw it, I'll just go long tomorrow... no need to torture myself when the humidity is supposed to break overnight and there's a chance of enjoying myself much more on the run tomorrow! So after dropping Sam at camp, I hit the roads and ran out towards Thorne Head instead. Honestly, it was pretty horrid out and I was completely soaked. Even my kneecaps were sweating 😂😂 Stopped to enjoy the Whiskeag view, complete with some beautiful cardinal flowers along the river's edge and then ran back to town. So happy to have the flexibility this week, as 5 miles was more than enough on a morning like that. (5.0 miles)
Then it was onto errands and packing!!
This morning, I woke up completely uninspired and feeling so pressured to run 20 miles. I had laid out a "plan" for the few months between Western States and Ghost Train, and I really felt like in order to even run decently at Ghost Train that I needed to get back to higher mileage and had to start getting in some long runs. It was filling me with dread. I had a mini meltdown, expressing how silly I felt being so upset over this, but knowing and finally admitting out loud that what my mind and body want and need just simply is not meshing with what I had on the calendar.
Ryan very correctly said that we don't often talk about the mental recovery needed after a big effort, and Western States was not only a big effort, it was also a big event with so much energy around it, and while it's hard to admit, I just plain haven't recovered from that. I wish I had, and I really wanted the challenge for going for two 100s in a year, but the reality is that right now, it just isn't right for me. Also, I know I chose Ghost Train in a way too because of the convenience, and it simply wasn't filling me with the fire that I need personally to train well enough for a 100.
So I wiped my tears away, gave Sam a hug and headed out the door to just run what felt right. I meandered down the powerlines, stopping to eat blackberries along the way and take photos of the many monarch caterpillars out there 💗💗🐛🐛 and just trying to come to terms with what to do about Ghost Train. It was much cooler out this morning but still humid. I looped out on the powerlines and then across the street to run a short loop on the Highlands Trail before finishing up with a few road miles. (13.0 miles)
Saw a few monarchs flitting about too
And lots of caterpillars!! 💗
The viburnum are truly beautiful out there right now!
Talked through my thoughts a bit more with Ryan upon my very sweaty return, and realized that really, I don't have the fire, the desire, the capacity right now for Ghost Train. It hurts in a way to admit it, but it's OK. What I want most is to be running forever, to enjoy it, to keep it joyful, and this silly pressure I've been feeling is not making me happy. So I decided to cancel my registration and let someone else have my spot. Sure, I could have gone and run less miles, but I signed up with the intent of 100. I felt relief with that step of cancellation so I know it's the right choice. Better, for me at least, to just step back and let it go. And so, with that, looking forward to spending the next few months enjoying running and gearing up for some fun in 2020!
No comments:
Post a Comment